Hollywood Tales: Paramount Movie Creation Meeting

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Ok, everyone, let’s start the meeting. Before you start talking about winning us Oscars, I’ve got the best idea for a movie ever. It’s about an alien race that lands on Earth but they are actually “robots in disguise.” Catchy isn’t it? These large robot-alien things can have a civil war on Earth, because, well, we need a plot. And that’ll pretty much be the plot for the entire movie and all of the sequels–and there will be sequels.

I know it’s kind of weak, but come on, we’re creating a summer blockbuster here, it’s not like people will actually have to like it. We’ll just hype it up so much with viral marketing campaigns and MySpace that they will feel left out if they don’t see it. Trust me, once they are in the theater with their over-sized popcorn and gallon of soda, we will pump so much CG work into this movie that it’ll overload their senses and no one will remember that they actually paid $10 to see this piece of crap. If all else fails, we’ll just add a really hot chick bending over muscle cars and motorcycles, like on the covers of those magazines behind the counter at the gas station. That will surely bring some nerdlings into the movie, if they aren’t already drooling over the concept of robots on Earth.

Oh, and since these robot-aliens (or is it alien-robots?) are larger-than-life, that means we’ll need some larger-than-life explosions to take them down. Williams, start looking for directors. Get me anyone but Michael Bay, he is sooo 1998.

Now what about actor choices? We need a strong, manly actor that can lead the entirety of mankind to victory over a highly-advanced alien race, and in the process woo over any female lead that we throw his way. Suggestions? Hmm, Greenberg, you may be onto something, Arnold Schwarzenegger would be perfect! Oh, oh, and he could be a robot himself, too! What’s that, Crawford? He’s busy running California right now? Oh you’re right, damn, and he’s literally larger than these robot-aliens, anyway. He’d dwarf them in comparison and the camera angles would never work. Hey, I’ve got it: Shia Lebeouf! He’s not any of the things I mentioned we needed, but we owe it to him after that vine-swinging scene in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

What’ve you got for me, Williams? Michael Bay is the only one who will touch this concept? Fine. He’s in. As long as he doesn’t put meteoroid-looking fireballs hurling through buildings like in Armageddon, into this movie we should be fine…or Ben Affleck.

Any other suggestions before a power lunch? Yes, Johnson? That’s a fantastic idea! We definitely should base it off an old cartoon series from the 80s; don’t even get me started on the merchandising possibilities! Plus that will save time on robot-design, we’ll just rip off the old stuff. Speaking of kids, my kids have been listening to this band, Linkin Park, and I think they would be great for the soundtrack. The music is over-produced and it all sounds the same, but it has an industrial flair to it which will be perfect for the robot-alien theme. It’s sure to get us, at least, an MTV Movie award.

I think we’ll end the meeting on a high note. Oh, and get in touch with James Cameron, I want him to re-direct a film version of Titanic: The Musical. Mel Brooks did it with The Producers, I think it’s golden.

– David the Day

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