‘Nine Lives’ Trailer Will Make you Question Everything You Hold Dear

Nine Lives

Nine Lives

Once upon a time, a c-list filmmaker by the name of David DeCoteau made a movie called A Talking Cat!?!. It was a horrendously made piece of “why does this exist” Netlfix-fodder starring the voice of a drunk Eric Roberts as, you guessed it, a talking cat. That should have been the end of it. But the universe had different plans. Apparently, by the looks of things, someone saw A Talking Cat!?!, or at least read the title, and thought “Hey, there’s an idea”. This intrepid soul thought to him or herself “Why not take that idea and make it…..bigger! Make it a mainstream film! With a name director and a bigger-name star! But who? Robert Redford? No, no. Robert Downey Jr? No, won’t work. I’ve got it……Kevin Spacey. Keyser Soze himself. Brilliant”

And so was birthed into the world….Nine Lives. Look at it. Behold its terrible visage. Like an MC Escher painting or the face of oblivion itself, the mind reels at the very sight of it. How can such a thing exist in a rational universe? How can this…..BE? Surely the existence of something like this precludes the existence of a just God. And yet….there it is. A film which appears so hackneyed, it passes self-parody, passes even infinity itself, and comes back around to almost become something remarkable. Almost.

I post this not to entertain, but to warn. I fear a great doom may be looming, and Nine Lives is its terrible herald. This isn’t a film. It’s a portent. A sign. A warning. Repent. The end draws nigh……

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