Watch a Recruitment Video for Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters

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Look, if you’re living in a sci-fi or fantasy setting….just don’t go to schools. Seriously. In prettymuch any genre environment, schools are ground zero for more kinds of dangerous, messed-up stuff than you can imagine. Want to go to Hogwarts? Well, ok, but you have a higher-than-normal chance of dying at the hands of an evil wizard, and you’ll come out of it not knowing what dentistry is. So goodluck with that somewhat limited knowledge base. Or how about the Unseen University from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series? Even worse! If you survive attending classes or just setting foot anywhere near the library, you’ll get to join the elite Wizards of the Disc….a collection of shortsighted jerks who are trying to kill eachother literally every minute of the day. And Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters from X-Men? Do I need to tell you all the weirdness that happens there? There’s the time the gym came alive and tried to kill everyone, the multiple attacks by aliens, dark Gods, evil mutants, killer robots and more, and that’s not even getting into the fact that Professor Xavier is a jerk. That place has been blown up or burned to the ground so many times that it’s a running gag among the teaching staff. They probably have a pool going for how long it’ll take to happen again at any given time.

And yet, a new viral video for X-Men: Apocalypse is prettymuch glossing over all that in favor of making the school like the best place to be for young Mutants. Oh sure, you won’t face persecution and you’ll learn how to use your mutant powers. But you know what you’ll also get? Almost certain death at the hands of an ancient Egyptian mutant with the biggest God complex ever and his cadre of death-dealing horsemen (though they don’t seem to ride horses so the name is rather misused). And that’s not getting into the vaguely cultish overtones of the whole X-Men thing. That Xavier guy? Got David Koresh written all over him. He has a secret hanger with a military aircraft in it. Possibly an armed one. How is that legal? Heck, how did he afford that? And in order to get to go near any of that stuff you have to give yourself a weird sounding name and run around in a yellow and blue unitard. You know what? If I were a mutant in the 80s, I’d just stick to home-schooling.

Check out the video below. Just don’t let the Asian girl with the nice hair and boundless enthusiasm fool you. This place is death.

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