The Nightmare Before Christmas

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Despite its apparent complexity, 3D is actually a deceptively simple process. Two images are filmed, one offset from the other by a same measurement that separates your two eyes, and then one is projected in red, the other in blue. The glasses that are handed out in the cinema, or in a copy of TV Guide if you’re stupid enough to be watching the season finale of Medium, have one red lens, and one blue. By giving each eye the same image but shifted, the film tricks your brain into thinking that you have a headache and kind of want to throw up a little bit. It can be a powerful effect when used properly, but all it’s been used for in the past few years is to try and make Superman Returns not a colossal waste of time, and to try and sell at least a few tickets to Spy Kids 3.

Here, however, is the exception that proves the rule. For its 10th anniversary, The Nightmare Before Christmas has been given the Disney 3D treatment not to sell tickets, but rather to sell black leather purses to Goth girls too old for Emily the Strange merchandise but too young to masturbate with a black skull dildo while listening toMarduk’s ‘Funeral Bitch’. I swear to Christ, this movie is the only thing keeping the Disney store afloat. I think they plastered Jack Skellington’s face on so much merchandise, 30th century archeologist are going to think we’re all lonely high school girls with bad skin and Marilyn Manson T-shirts.

As for the movie itself, I can’t even tell if I like it or not anymore. Every time I watch it, all I see is dollar signs and Oogie Boogie plush toys dancing around with Hello Kitty wallets and Tickle Me Elmos. It’s like the 80s all over again, except instead of My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake toys, I’m supposed to buy a grown woman slippers shaped like pumpkins. I don’t even remember what this movie’s supposed to be about. I think the king of Halloweentown decides to hijack Christmas, but then learns that shrunken heads don’t make good presents anywhere outside of the Belgian Congo. But that’s all incidental, because this film is just a computer program written to get me to buy actionfigures. By the movie’s 20th anniversary, I’m betting you’ll be able to get a Nightmare Before Christmas nativity scene, in a crèche shaped like a rib cage. What was a great idea for a film has been turned into a great idea for a $20 belt buckle, and everyone seems to be buying into it. Why must everything even remotely cool be co-opted by My Chemical Romance fans so they can post about it on MySpace? Fuck! Fuck you and your goddamn black nail polish and Lock, Shock, and Barrel shoelaces. Fuck your Dr. Finklestein curtains, and your Sally snow globes, and your Bobble Head of that lummox with the axe in his skull. Fuck your idiosyncratic conformity, fuck the bad attitude you can fit inside your black skull-patterned pencil case, and fuck the shitty poetry you write in your Oyster Boy pencil case. And fuck the fact that I’ve turned into yet another website with a Nightmare Before Christmas post on it.

16 Comments
  1. Nichole says

    Wow! There are some angry people on this page. I know it hasn’t been written on in awhile, but I thought I would comment. I AM a HUGE Nightmare before christmas fan and I do buy some commercial things, but they are coming harder to find now. I even had a custom TNBC outfit made for my son who is 2. He personally doesn’t care for the movie right now, but there is plenty of time for him to get into it. He loves the characters on the outfit and points to Jack on his shirt. I personally don’t wear TNBC items, because well…. I am too old for them. I am 31 years old. If the person who wrote this review is just worried about how much commericalism a movie had, well then he or she has problems with ALL movies. I do love almost all Tim Burton movies and we even loved Alice in Wonderland. I think his concept is wonderfully different from every other director out there and it’s so dark and twisted.

  2. Mack Mannheimer says

    Hey man, I just attempted to email you because of an issue I had relating to this page, however I can’t fully find out a way to talk to you. If however you see my e-mail address, can you send me a msg? Thanks.

    1. Ricky D says

      is this message directed to the author or the editor in chief ?

  3. Valda Overbo says

    essential post , really good position on the subject and very well written, this certainly has put a spin on my day, numerous thanks from the USA and observe up the good work

  4. Ted K says

    it wouldn’t be “…then YOUR probably just a 40 year old faggot living in his moms basement feeding on other peoples pain from your insults…”

    it would be “…then YOU’RE probably just a 40 year old faggot living in his moms basement feeding on other peoples pain from your insults…”

    way to grammar.

    1. Al says

      Well, technically speaking, it should be:

      “fuck you, you EGOMANIACAL ******! (Y)our simplistic analysis of this movie is completely ASININE and your opinion, although highly OFFICIATED, is not welcome in this world. Just because someone likes the movie doesn’t mean (THAT) THEY’RE a suicidal little emo freak living in the suburbs pissed off (BECAUSE) their favorite sitcom got CANCELED. I mean, come on! In that case, if that is truly what you think of Tim Burton fans, then YOU’RE probably just a 40-YEAR-OLD ****** living in his MOM’S basement feeding on other PEOPLE’S pain from your insults. Well, you didn’t hurt me. I know I have good taste. I AM a mooching, trailer trash piece of shit that lost my virginity to my father. Do the world a favor and either sew your mouth shut or just stay the fuck away from all of society because no one wants someone like you in their lives. Thank you and fuck you.”

      But correcting all of it would be quibbling.

  5. Mike Korvac says

    It is still not too late to get your money beck, stephanie.

  6. twi-hard69 says

    omg!!! wat does that even mean? everyone knows that My chemical romance sukkkkks and tim burtons the best director ever right now. i’ll bet u dont even like ‘twilight’ either… you suk and edward would make u piss ur pants if he was real you jank-lovr!

    1. Tristan says

      TWILIGHT is kinda boring.

      1. Al says

        What’s a jank?

        1. Tristan says

          JANK is supposed to be a descriptive slang word meaning “worthless”. I don’t know what that person meant when he said it.

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    2. xSweetRvenge says

      Hang on a sec, My Chem sucks and Twilight is considered a good movie? What’s going on, twi-hard69? Also, i love TNBC, but i can understand the critics irriation at the fact a cult movie has become a brand name for emo-teens.

  7. Ricky says

    I never noticed this review before because Al posted it up himself. I won’t defend Al in any way but being an openly gay man I can say that Stephanie’s use of the word Faggot or any other form of discrimination is not welcome here.

  8. stephanie says

    fuck you, you egomanical faggot! your simplistic analysis of this movie is completely assenine and your opinion, although highly officiatied, is not welcome in this world. Just because someone likes the movie doesn’t mean their a suicidal little emo freak living in the suburbs pissed off that their favorite sitcom got cancelled. I mean, come on! In that case, if that is truly what you think of Tim Burton fans, then your probably just a 40 year old faggot living in his moms basement feeding on other peoples pain from your insults. Well, you didn’t hurt me. I know I have good taste. I’m not a mooching, trailer trash piece of shit that lost my virginity to my father. Do the world a favor and either sew your mouth shut or just stay the fuck away from all of society because no one wants someone like you in their lives. Thank you and fuck you.

    1. Al says

      You’re welcome.

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