“The Taint” – an unapologetically raunchy film

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“Like the poems scribed on a public bathroom wall, this movie is childish and fucking great.”

Directed by Drew Bolduc & Dan Nelson

Written by Drew Bolduc

2010, USA

It never occurred to me that you could make feature length film about all the bad jokes and perverted thoughts you had in high school and yet still have it turn into an enjoyable experience for someone other than your dysfunctional self to watch.  The Taint is a constant reminder of our stupidity. Its obsession with all things genital-related is as embarrassing as discovering your pecker for the first to time while watching the S&M comedy Exit to Eden.With all its dicks, jizz, and gay jokes, The Taint comes across as a psychotic, moronic teenage dream, induced from an overdose of video game playing, porn watching and murderous fantasies. Some might call it a nightmare; but I call it a funtime bonanza, mainly because I don’t know what those words mean yet.  Writer, director, composer, cosmic dancer, etc. Drew Bolduc, uses every great thing from 80’s b-movies and molded it into his Taint. Circles of death, masked avengers, Castlevania-like Casio scores, boobs, and exploding faces are all just the tip of the phallic iceberg, for this movie is phenomenally messed up.

Remember when films like The Toxic Avenger actually were really fun and gross? Remember when watching those films felt wrong and filthy, making your pants rise and your mouth orifice tingle with the inevitable eruption of a vomit waterfall? The Taint is a reminder that these horrible, horrible films are so fucking great. It also is the first film that I have seen in a long time to use its digitally enhanced special effects, as well as latex (dildos are made of latex, no?) effects with effortless perfection. This DIY piece of skull-fuckery is 100% worth tracking down. You’ll see squirrel’s heads whipped off, faces pulled off, dicks shots off, skyscrapers blown up and jerks jerked off. I had so much fun watching this film that I had to take a break from seeing my psychologist about my Dan Akyroyd nightmares, instead choosing to just sit starring blankly into my empty fishbowl collection wondering what it would be like if I were still watching The Taint.

The Taint is unapologetic ally raunchy. What doesn’t work for the film (a couple of anti-climatic flashback/explanation scenes towards the end of the film) doesn’t really matter. The film cares so little about making sense or what it’s doing, that criticizing it only makes us waste our precious words and most likely would result in a hand written response on a cheap bar napkin from Drew Bolduc reading “your Mom.” Like the poems scribbled on a public bathroom wall, this movie is childish and fucking great.

Detroit Burns

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