An Open Letter to the Internet: I’m Sorry We Don’t Like The Same Movies

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duty_callsCult Cinema: Volume 13:

Dear Internet,

I’m sorry that we don’t like the same movies. I’ve let you down.  After all that you’ve given me, from the questionably legal pornography, to the gory photos of car crash victims and dead celebrities, to the endless hours spent trolling creationist message boards and acupuncture websites, I’ve done nothing but bring you pain.

And it’s my fault, really. I should have known better. After all, while you were invented decades ago, your most familiar incarnation only developed in the mid-nineties, which makes you about 14 years of age. So, it makes sense that you get huffy when you encounter differing opinions regarding Tim Burton, and don’t know how punctuation works.

But that doesn’t make it okay for me to voice my opinions when they are so obviously wrong. Clearly, I know nothing about film. Sure, I may be a professional critic. But the subtleties of certain films, which behind-the-times dinosaurs like myself might criticize as having the depth of a Souja Boy ringtone, escape me. When it comes to b-movies, which I love, I stupidly don’t conflate ‘fun’ with ‘genius.’ And instead of liking The Nightmare Before Christmas, I apparently spend my time sucking my father’s cock in a trailer park (Seriously? Not liking an animated goth musical makes me gay?)

successful_trollInternet, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, ruffle your feathers, or make you misspell quite so many things. But I understand why you’re upset. My standard Cult of the Week MO, which is to pick a movie with an undeservedly high imdb user rating and exaggerate my reaction to it, is admittedly deliberately irritating, mainly because nothing pumps up my stats like angry fans. But I didn’t mean to insult you, personally, Internet. Just because you like a bad movie doesn’t mean I think you’re stupid, unless it’s Passion of the Christ. I like plenty of bad movies. I just don’t, you know, shit my pants quite so aggressively when someone disagrees. Of course, you have raised some good questions. What films do I like? (I’d suggest listening to some of our wonderful podcasts for the answer to that.) Why don’t I write about movies I actually enjoy? (I do that in my day job. Here, I do something different.) And instead of answering, I’ve just gotten worse.

But I want to make it up to you, Internet. I couldn’t bear to keep fighting. How could I go on without catching viruses in the seamier parts of 4chan, or keeping up to date with what Perez Hilton thinks of Fergie? So, to make it up to you, I’m officially, and publicly changing my opinions. Your movies are great. Love ‘em. Each and every miserable minute. And my upcoming Cult of the Weeks are going to be nothing but positive. Dark Knight? Totally deserved an Oscar, even if Christian Bale sounds like a Cannibal Corpse roadie trying to be scary. And you know what’s fun? Quoting Pulp Fiction, because you never know when a Simpsons line might fail you at a party. Boondock Saints is now one of the best movies ever made, based solely on the fact that Irish guys showing off their Celtic cross tattoos during slow motion gun-fights is a perfectly acceptable substitute for coherent thought. Fight Club is groundbreaking, not a lengthy music video based on the Spike TV philosophical manifesto. And 300 isn’t an Army recruitment ad for morons. It’s a work of art.

I hope this helps, Internet. I want to be friends. But even if we can’t, I hope you know I still respect you, love you, and quite frankly, need you. Or at least your pornography.

Love,

Al Kratina

Visit Al at www.alkratina.com , or follow him on Twitter.

Comic courtesy of www.xkcd.com

10 Comments
  1. Tai Deltufo says

    Great site and thanx for the post

  2. TheGuy says

    Admittedly, you make a lot of sense as a troll. I don’t really care much; Fight Club was a decent film, but it wasn’t groundbreaking or anything of the kind. But I honestly think there could be more to it than what they gave us, the book was so much better. And now they’ve got a game out which essentially equals out to the Fight Night games, purely arena based one-on-one fighting that doesn’t even closely resemble anything shaping out to be the film.

    Oh no.

    Movie would have done better with more porn. Definitely. Also, Marla was the ugliest woman in any movie I’ve ever seen. Indeed, I hope I never see her again. I skip the parts she’s in because she makes the movie suck.

    Back to watching more Suicide Girls stuff.

    1. Al Kratina says

      I agree with all of the above. Especially the part about the Suicide Girls.

      And you’re right about Fight Club. I actually kind of LIKE the film. I’m just sick to death of people quoting the first two ‘rules’ and applying it to their little website/club/high-school rebel alliance, etc…

  3. Anonymous says

    What you’re saying is your a troll and we’re meant to accept your apology for being one? No thanks, the point is to not feed the trolls, not to feed them skittles in hopes that they’ll do better.

    Also, you seem to confuse “the minority of people who don’t whine on the internet” for the entirety of the internet. MOST people online seem to whine about every single movie that comes out and needlessly latch onto film critics’ reviews as if they are God. Nope, it seems your problem is you are using some convoluted quasi-internet where everyone is positive and you’re the only negative tool. In reality, you’re just one among many.

  4. Suzy Q says

    Woah. People take this shit PERSONALLY. Which is weird since you’re obviously kidding. Or very, very angry.

  5. The Internet says

    I don’t understand how a movie that attracts a fan base who will blossom into women masturbating with black skull dildos while listening to Marduk’s ‘Funeral Bitch’ could be a bad thing. Please continue to renounce your filthy opinions, if not out of the goodness of your heart, then at least so that I can continue providing you with a steady influx of colourful pornography.

    Once you’ve shamed the Tim Burton fan base from my domicile, how do you expect me to pump myself full of enough new recruits to maintain my superhighway full of Suicide Girls’ offshoots, necro-porn, and hentai sites?

    Here’s hoping you’re in good faith.

    Remember, we need each other.

    -The Internet

    1. Al says

      You had me at ‘necro-porn.’ I’ll never betray you again, Internet.

      1. The Internet says

        http://www.necrobabes.com

        Love,

        The Internet

        1. Al says

          Let’s never fight again.

  6. Cyrus says

    i will never respect a system of interconnected computer networks, no matter how full of pornography, that thinks boondock saints is a good movie.

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